The Almighty Joke Thread!

[Elijah de Abbith]

A joke thread, because every forum needs one. Basic rule is, don't let it get TOO raunchy and don't post anything overly offensive. Use your own judgment.

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

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So this travelling salesman is driving down this mindlessly straight stretch of road when he passes a sign that says, "Nuns of St. Agnes Whorehouse, 5 miles".

Thinking he must be mistaken or road-hypnotized, the guy pays a bit more careful attention. Soon enough, another sign comes rushing toward him, and it definitely says, "Nuns of St. Agnes Whorehouse".

"Oh, my God! Those poor nuns! I bet they don't realize there's such a horrible typo on their signs! I have to tell them!"

So he follows the signs until they lead him to this huge Catholic church in the middle of nowhere. He walks up the steps and knocks on the door. A sweet-faced nun answers.

"Sister? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your signs have a terrible misspelling on them."

"Really? How so?"

Fidgeting, he whispers, "Well, they say 'Nuns of St. Agnes WHOREhouse'!"

The nun smiles. "Of course they do. This is the Nuns of St. Agnes Whorehouse."

Silence. The man simply doesn't know what to say.

"Come in, my son. I'm sure it will all make sense once you see the whorehouse."

He pales. "But...won't I go to Hell? I mean, aren't you ladies married to Jesus or something?"

"You will understand, my son. Come in."

So he follows the nun into the nave and through the church and up past the alter. He follows her down a hidden stairwell and across a massive hall and down another stairwell and through the catacombs. Up steps and down hallways.

Finally, she stops before a door. "Beyond this door is a hallway. At the end of a hallway is another door that says 'Enter'. Beyond that door is the whorehouse. To enter here, you must give me $100, and all of your questions will then be answered."

He hedged, hemmed, and hawed, but finally curiosity won out and, soul be damned, but he went through the door. There was indeed a hallway, and he followed it to a door marked 'Enter'.

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, said a prayer for forgiveness, and pushed through. After stumbling down a step, he opened his eyes and looked around. He was...outside.

Turning around, he saw a sign: "You've just been screwed by the Nuns of St. Agnes".

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After weeks of rigorous training, they had narrowed it down to three candidates, two men and a woman, who each in turn were taken to the final test.

The first man was brought to a door, handed a pistol, and told, "In this room is your wife, sitting in a chair. Take this gun, and shoot her."

The man looked at the men, looked at the gun, then slowly shook his head and walked away without a word.

The second man was brought to another door, also handed a pistol, and told the same: "In this room is your wife, sitting in a chair. Take this gun, and shoot her."

He took the gun, went inside the room and closed the door. After a moment he came out again, trembling, and said, "I looked her in the eyes. I couldn't do it."

The woman was brought to a third door, also given a pistol, and was told, "In this room is your husband, sitting in a chair. Take this gun, and shoot him."

The woman took the gun, went inside the room and closed the door. There was a gunshot, and then another, and another; then much screaming and banging; and finally silence. After a moment, the woman emerged.

"Sorry," she said, "the gun was loaded with blanks, so I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

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There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own
relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends
kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they
were doing.

His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does
that to a girl will die that very minute!"

On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who
introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town.
She knew that he had never been kissed before.

When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to
kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid
of, it won't hurt."

He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very
minute!!"

She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me."
With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.

He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"
She said, "Why are you going to die??"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of
me has begun to get stiff!!"

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(This one's a bit more raunchy, but one of my personal favorites.)

Due to the recent problems the Catholic Church has been having with pedophilia charges against the priests, they have instituted a final test that the prospective priests must past before they are allowed to graduate from Seminary School. All of the men are lined up, naked, with a bell tied around their penis. Then several strippers are sent into the room to dance for and on the guys. If the bell goes off, they fail. If it doesn't, they are allowed to graduate. During this particular test, none of the men were having much luck. As the strippers worked their way down the line, each and every bell was going off, one after the other. The last guy in line, however, was very determined that he was going to pass. Fists clenched, eyes screwed shut, and concentrating on every erection killing image he could think of, he didn't realize the strippers had gotten to him until the first one touched him. He was so startled that his jump sent the bell flying. Embarrassed, he turned around to pick it up- and all the bells behind him started to go off.

[JC Bytes.]

I love the second last one. xDD
Ack. I need to find some jokes to put up here.
I know of some pretty good ones.

[snare]

XD nice!